Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Crimes Against Food: #1 EGGS

Hey! That guy's poaching those chicken's eggs!

Now don’t get me wrong I’m not against eggs as a whole. JUST THE MASSACRING OF EGGS – breakfast style – AT VARIOUS CAFES.

I enjoy slipping down to various breakfast joints and drinking coffee and eating, well, eggs. Personally I prefer them poached, although I’ve been known to do scrambled – in a magical way.

Generally I have had good luck with my egg pads, but I have been known to stumble across the odd place that still is able to fuck shit up. Hot tip: go here for somewhere that couldn't fuck shit up if it tried.

The problem area for many appears to lay with the yolk, the delicious creamy bit with all the fatty, cholesteroliness in it, i.e. the bit that you don't really want to make taste like a mushy, tastless, paste. In fact, it’s only deliciously creamy when THE YOLK IS NOT COOKED ‘TIL IT’S ROCK FUCKING HARD.

Why does this still happen? It’s a matter of timing and surely that is an essential element in the Chefing industry. Surely it's not hard to find a chef that is able to put eggs into hot water and take them out when the middles are still oozey?! Perhaps I'm asking too much.

Even I, a mere cook, am able to recognise the importance of the poached egg timing. I shall share with you all my secret. EGGS IN TOAST DOWN. That’s it. Once the toast is done so are your eggs. I imagine if I tried to explain to you the chemistry behind the denaturation of the protein in the albumen, thus resulting in a congelled irreversible process, you’d glaze over a little and quite frankly, I wouldn’t blame you. But I don’t need to do that because all you need to know is: EGGS IN TOAST DOWN DAMMIT!

Go forth in pursuit of eggsalence.